I · am · Alive, · I · am · Burning

So I just had an interesting thought on this whole double standard of guys are amazing studs if they hook up with a lot of girls and girls are considered sluts if they hook up with a lot of guys. I think that maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's looked at as way easier for a girl to pick a guy up and sleep with him than it is for a guy to pick a girl up and get her to sleep with him. So it's seen as more of an accomplishment for a guy when he gets a girl to talk to him, gets her to be interested, gets her home and gets her to give it up. Where as a girl can just walk into a bar, pretty much have her pick of any guy and pretty effortlessly get him to come home with her. Now I'm not saying I agree with this behavior at all, because in my opinion they're all sluts, male or female, if you're throwing your body around like that, that's just not acceptable, but that's just my opinion because I've been raised to have respect and think that sex is a special thing that should only be shared with someone you love. But maybe aside from the years and years of women being seen as less than men and weaker and unable to do what men can do, they've caught up and now another reason for the double standard is this whole theory, because it's easy for her, she's seen as easy, and because it's harder for him, it's seen as an accomplishment. But what about the girls that are going home with the guy? Are they just completely easy sluts because they were taken home by him and didn't take him home? She's the slut, he's accomplished and she's easy. And if she's the one who takes the guy home, she's still easy and a slut, and what is he in the situation? A slut? Is he still considered accomplished even though she did the work and he just went along for the ride? Okay, now I'm really just rambling lol. Those are my random thoughts right now.

Okay, so while I already posted once since this has happened, that was more of just a reminder of a poem I really loved and didn't want to forget about. Now I will say that the blog before that one, all my concern were completely shut down and put to rest because JOEL PURPOSED TO ME IN CANADA ON MAY 15TH!!!!! (and obviously, I accepted). now we are embarking on the insane journey of planning our wedding (which seems to be getting larger by the day), our honeymoon and house hunting. I would love to just get married tomorrow with close friends and family. I don't want this huge show, all this craziness, but I know Joel really wants a big celebration and to show off a bit, so I will go along with it. The main issue is that we both have huge families and we both want to invite them all which is great it just means that we're going to have at the very least 150 guests. Which is HUGE. We're going to have the ceremony in my parent's backyard as neither one of our churches could hold the number of guests we're going to have. Originally I was thinking of having the reception in the backyard also, but it seems that it's going to be more of a hassle than an advantage. So after this entry and after a quick shower I'm going to start researching reception halls around our area that can accommodate our number of guests. OH, the wedding is set for September 5th, 2009, so I have about a year and a half to figure all this out. However, now that we're thinking of using a reception hall the date may change a bit depending on the availability of the cite we choose. I'm very excited, I'm just very nervous about the money side of it because it seems silly to me to spend thousands on dollars on this because to me, all that matters is Joel and I uniting ourselves forever. I'd rather put all the money into our future home. Well, I'm going to get started on my day now, that's basically it for the update, I'll post more as I wander through the planning of our wedding.

Good morning on 7 July

While still in bed my thoughts hurry to you, my immortal beloved, here and there joyfully, then sadly again, waiting to know whether Fate will hear us. I can live only wholly with you or wholly apart from you. I have decided to wander far away until I can fly to your arms and say that with you I have found my true home, can send my soul enwrapped in you into the realm of spirits.

Yes, it unfortunately must be so. You will be the more resolved since you know my fidelity to you. No other can ever possess my heart -- never -- never. O God! why must one be separated from one so beloved? And yet my life in Vienna is a miserable one. Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men. At my age I need a uniformity and a regularity of life. Can this exist with our relationship?

My angel, I have just learned that the post leaves every day. Accordingly I must close at once, so that you may receive my letter the sooner.

Be calm, for only by calm consideration of our lives can we attain our objective of living together. Be calm, love me. Today, yesterday, what tearful longings for you -- for you -- for you, my life, my all.

Farewell! Continue to love me; never misjudge the most faithful heart of

Your beloved
Ever yours
Ever mine
Ever ours

and heard two of the cutest songs ever which I will post the lyrics to here:


Stealing Cinderella
by Chuck Wicks


I came to see her daddy for a sit down man to man
It wasn't any secret I'd be asking for her hand
I guess that's why he left me waiting in the living room by myself
with at least a dozen pictures of her sitting on a shelf

[Chorus;]

She was playing Cinderella
She was riding her first bike
Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight
Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin
Dancing with her dad, looking up at him
In her eyes I'm Prince Charming
But to him I'm just some fella
riding in and stealing Cinderella

I leaned in towards those pictures to get a better look at one
When I heard a voice behind me say "Now, ain't she something, son?"
I said "Yes, she quite a woman" and he just stared at me
Then I realized that in his eyes she would always be

Playing Cinderella
Riding her first bike
Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight
Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin
Dancing with her dad, looking up at him
In her eyes I'm Prince Charming
But to him I'm just some fella riding in and stealing Cinderella

He slapped me on the shoulder
Then he called her in the room
When she threw her arms around him
That's when I could see it too

She was Playing Cinderella
Riding her first bike
Bouncing on the bed and looking for a pillow fight
Running through the sprinkler with a big popsicle grin
Dancing with her dad, looking up at him
If he gives me a hard time
I can't blame the fella
I'm the one who's stealing Cinderella




Fall
by Clay Walker


oh look there you go again
putting on that smile again
even though i know you've had a bad day
doing this doing that
always putting yourself last
a whole lot of give and not enough take
but you can only be strong so long before you break
so..

chorus:
fall
go on and fall apart
fall into these arms of mine
I'll catch you every time you
fall
go on and lose it all
every doubt every fear
every worry every tear
I'm right here
baby fall

forget about the world tonight
all that's wrong and all that's right
lay your head on my shoulder let it fade away
and if you wanna let go it's okay

(chorus)

hold on
hold on
hold on
to me

(chorus)




That's in the order I heard them and the first one just really got to me. I love it.

Forever
- adverb
1. without ever ending; eternally.
2. continually; incessantly; always.

-noun
3. an endless or seemingly endless period of time.

-idiom
4. forever and a day, eternally; always.

-adverb
1. For everlasting time; eternally.
2. At all times; incessantly.

-adverb
1. for a limitless time.
2. for a very long or seemingly endless time.
3. without interruption.

Based on these definitions I've found, I think it's impossible for anything to go on literally "forever" the only definition that can even begin to apply are the ones that include "seem" in them.

I don't know how I feel about this conclusion, I mean the hopeful side of myself likes to think that certain emotions can truly last forever, like love, but honestly who knows. The rest of my life I understand, but forever? I mean I could say that right now I firmly believe that I could love Joel for the rest of my life, but I can't with certainty say "forever." It's a technicality, but I've just been thinking about it. So many marriages end in divorce, out of the small portion that stay married there's an even smaller number of them that could be classified as happy marriages. I'm not against marriage in any way at all, I can't wait to get married and I think it's going to be fantastic I just think it's worth thinking about these things now. What does it mean to me? I know that when I get married I will not get divorced and therefore I will not sign any stupid prenuptial agreements because if you're already planning ahead for the marriage to end how can you ever expect it to succeed? I mean I understand in Hollywood why they might do that only because marriage in Hollywood is like have a boyfriend, they throw it around like high schoolers and play at having real relationship constantly. Every other day someone is getting divorced and someone else is getting married. But for me, I would never marry anyone who would ask me to sign papers like that because to me that demonstrates weakness and a "I have to do this just in case" mentality that could overshadow the whole marriage.

I was watching a show a couple weeks ago and they went over a list of things to ask your partner and to know about each other before you get married. here's the list:

Work Questions:
1. Are you working in your chosen profession?
2. How many hours a week do you work?
3. What is your dream job?
4. What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?
5. What does your job entail? (Do you travel often? Perform dangerous tasks?)

Money Questions:
1. What is your annual income?
2. Are we going to continue having separate bank accounts or one joint account?
3. Do you have significant debts?
4. Do you believe in establishing a family budget?
5. How important is it for you to make a lot of money?

Sex Questions:
1. What sexual activities do you enjoy most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable?
2. Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?
3. What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?
4. How often do you need or expect sex?
5. Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?

Partenhood Questions:
1. Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children?
2. Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation?
3. How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family?
4. Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time outs, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc)?
5. Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?

Religion Questions:
1. Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?
2. Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?
3. Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions that would affect your partner?
4. How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?
5. How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?

Maybe if Joel ever conquers his fear of marriage and purposes to me we'll go over this list together. We've already talked about most everything that's on there at one point or another. But there are some things that we haven't talked about. Like whether we'd have our own bank accounts or a joint one. I know that when it comes to kids we each have our own opinions on some things but I don't think it's anything that we can't reach a compromise on.

Time really doesn't account for quality of a relationship, it speaks to longevity definitely, but Joel and I have only been together nearly a year and a half and we're solid. We're not a new relationship anymore, we definitely have our little disagreements, but at the end of the day we still hold each other and love each other and any small disagreements fall away. On all the big points, we seem to agree for the most part, it's just stupid little things throughout the day that we both take opposites sides on and decide to have strong opinions on when the issues don't even really matter nearly 85% of the time. After a lot of thinking about this and questioning what it could mean for a marriage, little bickering, I think that it's great, it shows we both have immense amounts of passion and we're willing to stick up to each other. Which I think is really important.

I think I'll continue this more later on....

I'm going to just start a new entry instead of adding onto this long one.

From Joel:

"First time we kissed, was after beer pong in my room door closed and I totally made the move in for a kiss, we were in the center of my room and it was I do believe one of the best kisses i have ever had so fantastic that right after our first base rounding i made a comment saying "so, we have the same kissing technique" and you chuckled and replied "so we do" and i went in for another, followed by kissing for a few more minutes of just kissing standing up and then i believe that i went all in and started to pull your shirt up and over your head. and the rest i believe you know......So there you go cuttie that i believe was our first kiss. if im wrong please correct me."

"Loving A Person" Sara Groves

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it

Joel and I are the biggest dorks in the entire world and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm mainly writing this so I can always remember this past Saturday night and all day yesterday because after having the conversation about how many memories are lost and forgotten in time even if they were some of the happiest moments terrifies me and I don't want to lose this memory. Saturday night driving back to Oswego from work blaring the song "S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y HEY HEY" with the windows down, screaming it at that girl in the car next to us, rocking out like crazy people while she tried SO hard to ignore us was just indescribably funny! Though I have to say whatever the song was that we blared a couple weeks ago and rocked out to and got the car full of guys next to us to rock out too also was definitely the best. It's moments like that where I'm reminded how wonderful he and I are for each other and how much fun we have together.

Then! All day yesterday, pushing, hitting, slapping, 'raw hiding' each other like a big brother to a little sister, if it didn't sound SO strange to say about someone that I'm in a relationship with and sleep with I would say you're like the big brother I never had, but I think it's okay because I can't think of a better way to describe some of the times we have together. All day yesterday was just fantastic, our crazy hyper dorky moments show our energized youthful spirit which is great because I know you've been feeling oh so old these days after your 24th birthday, which is silly and you know it, but that's why you're dating me your youthful fun 22 year old (haha), even though I'm probably the oldest 22 year old you'll ever meet. However, we balance each other well, and you're going to do great things and we're great together. I think you're doing laps at the pool right now, so I'm going to work out a bit before you get back so I can keep this sexy body you enjoy so much! hehe.

Oh but also, thanks for going to the art thing with me yesterday, and I'm sorry I couldn't do the corn maze...just SO many kids, seriously and like I said, I'll do a lot of things, I'll jump out of planes with you, I'll go bungi jumping when we find a place to do it, I'd even rather jump out of a plane with you (even though I said I didn't know if I would do it before) all rather than spending time in that maze, no joke, haha.

"Never Let You Down"
The Verve Pipe

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground.
I'm getting to like this feeling I've found.
I'm getting to love
The thought of having you around.
And I will never let you down.

Your friends were all well-meaning
When they said, no one is good enough for you.
But if they play with your emotions
Dismiss the notion
And do what you have to do.
Cause people don't take chances with their hearts.
Since I've met you I am past the hardest part.
So remember one thing
I will never let you down.

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground.
I'm getting to like this feeling I've found.
I'm getting to love
The thought of having you around;
And I will never let you down.

Sometimes you feel defeated
But it's OK...
You're not the only one.
And all the complications,
Bad situations happen to everyone
It doesn't matter how it ended or began.
Sometimes the best that you can do is change your plans.
I hope you understand that
I will never let you down
I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground.
I'm getting to like this feeling I've found.
I'm getting to love
The thought of having you around;
And I will never let you down.

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground.
I'm getting to like this feeling I've found.
I'm getting to love
The thought of having you around;
And I will never let you down.

I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground.
I'm getting to like this feeling I've found.
I'm getting to love
The thought of having you around;
And I will never let you down.

You and I Collide
Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Getting a place with Joel is the most exciting thing I've done in a long time. I've just finished writing down a list of places to call and send my resume into in the Oswego area. There are a few photography places and news publications that I'll apply to. I also wrote down a few coffee shops mostly as back up jobs. There were a bunch of business listings in the directory on www.oswego.com. Hopefully some of these places are hiring or are at least willing to consider it. I'm not really worried about finding a job, maybe I should be considering I've heard from several friends that it can be really difficult because most places want people with experience. But I do have some experience, I did an internship and worked for another photographer on two shoots and I've done some freelance work. So I think that I will be able to present myself as well versed for someone who has just graduated and is just starting out in the working world. I'm excited to get out and interview and talk with people in the business, I just hope my skills are comparable and that I will impress them.

Well, I must get to work on my senior paper now. It's due tomorrow and I can't wait to hand it in. I'll only have to think about it one more time when I do my oral defense on April 30th. Only two weeks & 2 days left, then finals week and then graduation. This last year flew by, but I had a great year and I really feel good about getting out of here and starting a new chapter of my life. I'm so mcuh so looking towards the future and how bright it is. I can't wait to take this next step and it makes it all the more better that Joel will be by my side while I make this huge transition.

Six months with this man and I'm loving him more and more everyday. Right now he is pacing back and forth across my dorm room talking with his older brother Ben about future plans, he's adorable. He came up today and surprised me for our six month anniversary. He showed up with a bouquet of flowers, 6 different flowers that are gorgeous and I guess there's another surprise in store for me. I have 46 days left of my senior year and I thought I'd be a lot more stressed out than I am, I can thank Joel for keeping my head straight and keeping me relaxed. I just realized that babe, you're literally the only one who will ever read this aside from myself, hehe. So have fun reading about yourself. I'm so excited about our future baby, I cannot wait to get a place together in the fall and to spend this summer with you. You need to stop pacing back and forth though so frantically because it's making me nervous, lol, okay you've slowed it down a bit, now I can concentrate again, though I have to say, you're pretty cute when you do that. So anyways, I guess I don't have much more to say, so it's time a for a quick shower and then we'll watch a couple episodes of The Sopranos.

It's true. I knew he and I would be great together from the beginning when we first hung out down by the lake on that September day at the beginning of this last semester. Such a connection was made and so much fun was had and my favorite thing is that it just keeps getting better. I am so completely in love with this man I don't even know how to express it sometimes. We're so good for eachother it's ridiculous and everything I could possible say right now wouldn't come close to the true feeling. I love that he believes if it is really a strong love you both just feel it, the words aren't even necessary because you both just know and I know it frustrated and hurt him that it took me longer to realize what we had was so real and true, but I do now and I couldn't be happier. Words can lie, but feelings when two people have them for eachother and there's so much passion it's nearly tangible are the purest things in the human life. I love him completely.

There are so many things I could say here, but honestly all that matters is that I am content, comfortable, at ease and completely happy. Joel is on his way back here right now, he came up for the day and I'm so excited by the fact that my feelings are only getting stronger rather than fading out as they have been in the past couple of months with those two others. Every day I grow less and less worried that this is just rebound thing for him, though I'd still understand if he decides that that's all this is, I would definitely be hurt by that. I'm letting myself go become more and more deeply involved, but in a slow way. I'm glad we're taking our time even though we're completely captivated with each other. I think this is really great for both of us and it seems to me like a good thing had been a long time coming for the both of us, given my last relationship, and given what I know about his last one. I'm glad that things are working out and that we're both very happy. I didn't mean for this to be such a sappy entry, but honestly this is the top story in Xtina's life and I wanted to shout it off a mountain top, but I don't have a mountain I have a livejournal, so it'll have to do.

It has been an extremely long time since I have posted anything on this silly journal. So many things have changed I don't even know where to begin. So I will just say that I have myself back. I had to do something drastic to get to this point, but I have no regrets. Endings only lead to new beginings and it was beyond time for me to end that chapter of my life and begin on a new one. I am perfectly content with my life as it is now. I am considering making this a slightly more public journal, in which case I will block the entries that were written before this one to make them private as they contain information that is not necessary for me to share with everyone. A brief update: I'm half way through the first semester of my senior year of college and it's been insanely busy. I'm still trying to find the right balance between work, college, and play time. It's my senior year so I want to live it up but I also want to be extremely productive and so far I'm just burning the candle at both ends. I need to find a way to use my time more efficently. Over all life is great though. I have a new boyfriend, Joel who I'm very happy with thus far. We've known eachother for a while, but we were both in long term relationships up until this summer and if someone had told me we would be together like this even two months ago I would've laughed. I definitely didn't see this coming at all, it was completely unexpected but I couldn't be happier. This is by far the healthiest relationship I've had maybe ever. It's still very new, so we'll see what happens with time, but I have no reason to doubt and I know we're going to be great. I'll update more later perhaps. At the moment I need to get some rest. I have work tomorrow at 5:30am ugh.

I have been doing a decent job with quitting. I did split one cig with Jesse last week, but other than that I've been doing good. Tonight will be the ultimate test as I am going to party at Nichole's. It's such a silly thing because I know it's bad for me but I just really enjoy it while I'm smoking. I hate the smell afterwords and the taste and the way my throat feels, so it's completely dumb, and unhealthy.

::break::new thought::

"There's a private hell for anyone who lives to only love themselves"

This is a lyric from a song by The Juliana Theory. I believe this and generally agree with it but the discrepancy I find in it is for me at this moment in my life I need to learn to love myself and find confidence in myself again before I can begin to fully love those around me again. I'm still dealing with so many insecurities that were products of a situation I found myself in a little over a year ago and it's been extremely hard for me to invest myself into any one thing and be passionate about it because I let fear take over. I'm terrified of failure to the point that I never make any progress because I'd rather do nothing than do something wrong. I've never been a risk taker but I'm growing to see that playing it safe in many aspects of what I do leads to simply maintaining whatever level I'm at now and I'm not happy with where I am now. I've put too much emphasis on too many of the wrong things because those were the things I felt I could more easily control. But it's useless because those aren't the things that are going to matter in end. I need to take control over myself and motivate myself to get off my ass and try. I'm one giant self-fulfilling prophesy and that is no way to live a life of value and happiness. I need to find something that inspires me, something to strive for.

::break::new thought::

I think I'm going to plan a road trip for myself this summer. I'll look up some places I want to stop at, plan a route and then figure out how long it will take. I'm thinking a week or two long one. I just want to go to several cities and be able to walk around at my own pace finding things that interest me to take photographs of. I think it would be really great for me as well as really good for me. It would be a chance for me to do something for myself. I don't see why I wouldn't be able to make this work, with the exception that my parents might worry about me going by myself, in which case I will ask Jesse if he would like to go because he won't hinder me or rush me while we wander through the streets of some city we've never been to before. It would be a grand photographic adventure!

::fin::

I don't usually like to quit things, but in this case I know it was the right thing to do. I quit smoking on March 1st, the same day I got my tongue pierced. At first it was just going to be for while my tongue is healing as it slows down the healing time and can cause other complications to smoke during the healing process. But I have decided that I am going to try to quit for good. It's been 5 days so far and I haven't gave in or had any real strong urges. It's strang just because when a time comes when I'd normaly light up I think about it, but I don't feel the need for it. So far it's been easy. But we'll see what happens once my tongue is completely healed and I'm "allowed" to smoke again. I can forsee the moments I will struggle with it most will be the times when I'm kicking back a beer a two because that's how I got started in the first place. Also it will be difficult during the summer when I'm at work because my boss and a few of my coworkers smoke and it's nice to go take a break and talk for a bit. We'll wait and see what happens. I just hope I don't put on weight now that I've quit, because I've seen that happen to people and not that I'm extremely worried about that, but I am. I do have to say that I am excited to feel healthy though, I already feel like I breath better and I haven't been coughing as much. I will most definitely enjoy my improved health now and when I'm older. Anyways, I need to start reading for my Ethics class as well as my Introduction to Journalism class now, so I'm going to stop writing in this silly thing.

p.s. there's a hair in my mouth and I can't find it. Don't you hate that?

Some days I wake up in a mood or it gradually develops as the day progresses where I get the urge to do something crazy and impulsive. Many times I fight off this mood because I have other responsibilities that need to be taken care of and doing insane things just isn't at the top of my list. However, today on a whim (a well thought out one though I must say) I got my tongue pierced. Now I've wanted this since high school and just for various reasons never got it done. But now, I officially have a piece of metal penetrating my tongue and I love it. I was extremely nervous especially when neither my boyfriend Jesse or my good friend Andrea could come with me, but my friend Tom was available so I made him come with me. Getting piercings is seriously like meditating for me, it's all about your breath and mind over matter. Tom said I didn't even flinch when the guy shoved the needle through. It's really relaxing because you build up all these nervous and get very tense right before hand and then as soon as you exhale that last breath and the needles goes through it's a huge release. I love it. It was such a good day.

This is a fresh start, a place to clear my mind and sort my thoughts. It feels good to create a new space to do this, though I fear I will not have as much time to put towards this as I would like. We will have to see.